Men’s Talks

Fathers: Will you Demonstrate Anger or Gentle Power?

Is your choice to harmonize or traumatize your family?

The warning signs of anger work from the inside out. The same is true for isolation. Before those around us know these two emotions are happening in us, we feel them and yield to them as true before we let them out.

If raised voices and aggressive language are a regular part of your family life, you are using more anger than is healthy. Anger is intended for emergency protection, for life and death circumstances, when our maximum energy is needed in a physical way to protect us or others. If your frustration leads to impatience leads to anger quickly, and you predictably blast your family to get your way, you are misusing your power.



How can you judge if your anger is bringing harm to your family? One question to ask is how often you increase your volume to get to get your point across.


Do your differences of opinion turn into blaming?


Anger is dominant behavior, and if you intimidate with your voice you are using fear as a motivator with your family.


Intimidation can take the form of BIGGER VOICE, louder voice, threatening voice, the voice used to deliver a message that someone is disconnected from your love.


The Paradox of Family Anger

Raised voice, angry voice, means that something inside you is posing a danger. The communication of danger we feel can be confusing if our loudness and accusations tell our wives or children they are the problem. No one uses anger unless they themselves feel threatened. If a dangerous situation threatened your child and you raised your voice to warn them, your fear would have been the driving force. They might not have had any idea about an oncoming car for example. This same example holds true for our families when we suddenly raise our voices.

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Who is Daddy going to kill?

Genetically, fathers have been physically bigger than our children for ten or fifteen years. In developmental terms, this makes sense so we can keep them out of harm’s way by picking them up and moving them or fighting off predators. In consideration of anger it’s important to recognize that if we turn our physical strength into threatening our children or their mom, we are turning a protective response into a legitimate threat. Our children understand inherently we are stronger and potentially dangerous. Turning our anger towards them or their mother, even without physical aggression, introduces a threat which is confusing.

Daddy’s anger feels like it’s going to end me.


Even if only in a few words or silently, our children feel our anger. If we add in loud, demanding or threatening words, we automatically include our children and their mom in the use of dominant power intended only to protect the family. In this case, when raised voice and aggressive words pour out there is immediate confusion and harm to our children. They feel instantly outside the circle of protection that fathers are here to provide.

The Good Men Project



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