By BJ Foster
For several years I was a financial advisor. One of my favorite parts of the job was getting to know people. Sitting around a kitchen table I would hear all about my client’s past successes and failures, future hopes and dreams, and current circumstances and struggles. When I was able to meet with both husband and wife tons of progress was made in both of them meeting their goals. However, in most situations, I would meet with only one, and usually, the other spouse didn’t even know about the meeting. More often than I can remember they would tell me, “My spouse doesn’t know about this account and I want to keep it that way.” When I asked why I always received the same answer, “I don’t trust (him) or (her).” Hiding things in a relationship, especially a marriage is never wise.
Without trust, marriages don’t work. They completely break down. Trust is the central ingredient to a having a healthy marriage. Rather than hide things from each other, married couples need to work out their differences. This can be painful, but the alternative will lead to a shallow marriage at best, while at worst it can have dire consequences. If you are hiding things from your wife it’s time to share and confront the problem.
Here are 5 things husbands hide from their wives that they shouldn’t.
Is her spending out of control? The passive way to handle it is to have a secret savings account, but then her dysfunction or your disagreements never get resolved. Maybe the situation is reversed and you are hiding debt from her or financial difficulty.
Action: You need to get everything out in the open. Financial irresponsibility is a major source of embarrassment and shame, but nothing ever changes until it is brought into the light of day. Relax, we’ve all been there. Sit down together, face it, lovingly talk it out, plan, and set boundaries.
If you feel the need to hide interactions with women other than your wife then that’s a sure sign there is something wrong. The question to answer is why hide it? Does she get easily jealous? Do you have feelings for the other woman? Concealing our relationships with women is a quick road to an affair and shows little respect for our wives. Transparency and boundaries you both agree on are paramount to building trust and having a lasting marriage.
Action: Talk through your boundaries so you can be on the same page. Then hold those boundaries. Be careful about the one-on-one interactions you have and never hide anything. The more information you can offer the better. Full transparency is your friend.
3. When We’re Hurt
“I’m fine.” Have those words ever come out of your mouth, even though
you’re not fine? It’s a lie. Whether you don’t want to start a fight or
you think that being hurt makes you weak (which it doesn’t), holding
back what is going on inside will only create division. Nothing will
ever change if she doesn’t know and you will silently become bitter.
Action: Share your feelings with your wife. If you are hurt by something she did or said then say it. Use the words, “I feel…” After you have communicated it, then forgive and let go of your hurt.
Many men are afraid to stress for the same reason they don’t share
their hurt. They want to project that they have it all together. The
other reason is they think their wife can’t handle it. Women are
perceptive and she most likely already knows. By not telling her you are
forcing her to use her imagination to figure out what’s wrong. It’s
hurting her and your marriage.
Action: Don’t go it alone. One of the benefits of marriage is having someone there to help us. We all need help and encouragement. She can handle it. Invite her into your stress. Sharing your insecurities and fears will only make you closer.
5. Sexual Dissatisfaction
Do you feel like you’re not having enough sex? When you do have it, has it become boring and predictable? Many men communicate their desire to have more sex but feel hopeless when nothing changes. So they stop talking about it because it ends in an argument and they don’t see the point. Disengaging from this conversation will only lead to loneliness and bitterness.
Action: Talk about it. After you’ve talked about it, keep talking about it, even when it causes arguments. When you get stuck in disagreement, get help. Go to counseling. If counseling doesn’t work then go to a different counselor. If the next counselor doesn’t work, find another one. The worst thing you can do is stop trying.
Culled from All Pro Dad