Adekunle from UAE wrote:

My name is Adekunle. I write to share my story to know what possible solutions you can proffer to me. My marriage was 19 years old on April 5, 2015. I got married to Becky, a banker with one of the leading banks in Nigeria. Becky grew so fast to become a branch manager. At that time I was working as an engineer with an airline company. Things were rosy and everything went on fine until I lost my job and my wife was posted to the head office of her bank. It’s a normal challenge for men to go through all sorts when they lose their job, so I never complained about the unpleasant way she treated me.

Becky started travelling with her boss too often. They could be in China today, Ghana tomorrow and Saudi Arabia next week. I didn’t entertain a negative thought until my friend, Alade, called me from the UK that he saw my wife in a compromising state with an unidentified man. I immediately knew it must have been Eric, her boss. I chose not to believe my friend. But such calls kept coming in, even from friends here in Nigeria. I confronted her with the issue. She denied, made a quarrel out of it and called me a loser who lacked direction in life. Prior to that, she had always denied me of sex using different excuses.

On a fateful afternoon, a friend of mine invited me to a hotel at Victoria Island to discuss a possible job opening in Dubai. While I was there with my friend, Jimoh, I saw my wife walk in with her boss Eric. They didn’t see me because we were in a hidden corner. Immediately, I followed them, they were already kissing each other before getting into their room. So I knew what they were going to do. I made no further advancement from there. Becky didn’t change, she continued coming home very late at night. At a point, I told her to choose between her job and her marriage; she chose her job and she continued in her ways.

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I got the appointment at Dubai; I took up the offer and left the country and now, I’m back on my feet. Becky wrote me apologising for all she did, adding that she was ready to leave the job and join me in Dubai. I asked myself, what is she sorry for? Is she sorry for calling me a loser when I was jobless? Is she sorry for sleeping around while lying to me or is she sorry for how she embarrassed me before my friends when I had no job? What is she really sorry for?

As for my kids, they are with my brother and are well taken care of. I visit them often to see how they are faring and I’m planning to bring them over to join me soon. What should I do about Becky?

 

Answer

Dear Adekunle,

This is no doubt a tough situation and I would like to commend you for staying strong. If you were to base your decision on what you have gone through on account of your wife’s misconduct, you probably wouldn’t want anything to do with her anymore. But can I invite you to address the situation from a higher perspective?

Like the saying goes, “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” And forgiveness is not consequent upon your wife’s action, it is consequent upon yours. When you realise how much God has forgiven you, you’ll find it easier to forgive your wife. If you think her offences are greater than your own, that’s pride. The same way God completely forgives us when we go astray, we should also forgive other people.

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This is not easy, Adekunle, but it is the best thing to do. You see, forgiveness is first for your own benefit and not hers; it helps you let go of the hurt and pain so that you can move forward. Think about your marriage vow and the effect your decision would have on your children. What would it mean for them to have their mum back? As long as she demonstrates genuine desire to return to her matrimonial home, please accept her back.

However, the fact remains that some actions have irreversible consequences. For instance, your wife’s risky behaviours might have exposed her to some sexually transmitted infections which could put you at risk. So you need to ensure that she is tested for STDs before you start getting intimate with her. It is important that you review situations/possibilities like this with her and seek expert advice on how to manage it. I pray that God gives you the strength to forgive her completely so that you can set right everything that has gone wrong.

Do you have issues to which you would like us to proffer solutions? Please send your questions to man2man @ valourdigest.com and we’ll get back to you accordingly.